


Bless Up

by loveydoveyowo



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Humour, Multi, brcause everyone needs some lovin, cute stuff too, gay shit, i think it’s called fluff, lotta cursint, theres also appreciation weeks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 19:21:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14361960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveydoveyowo/pseuds/loveydoveyowo
Summary: MagicMike: MagicMike?Wayfinder: he’s a gray stripper in some movieMagicMike: perfect





	1. So it begins

**Author's Note:**

> BattyBoi - Simon
> 
> Carrot - Clary
> 
> Queen - Isabelle
> 
> BigGay/Gay - Alec
> 
> MagicMike - Magnus
> 
> Beauty - Lydia
> 
> Beast - Maia
> 
> HOTDAMN/biteyboi/Papi - Raphael

Simonlewis created a groupchat!

Simonlewis added jacewayfinder, clarefey, izzylightwood, aleclightwood, magnusbane, maiaroberts, and lydia!

Simonlewis changed his name to BattyBoi!

BattyBoi changed jacewayfinder’s name to Wayfinder!

BattyBoi changed izzylightwood’s name to Queen!

BattyBoi changed maiarobert’s name to Beast!

BattyBoi changed lydia’s name to Beauty!

BattyBoi changed aleclightwood’s name to BigGay!

BattyBoi changed magnusbane’s name to MagicMike!

BattyBoi changed clairefey’s name to Carrot!

Carrot: oi

BattyBoi: still mad at you

Carrot: fair enough

Wayfinder: oh jfc 

BigGay: Really, Lewis?

BattyBoi: excuse me my nicknames are a work of art

Beast: what’s a wayfinder 

BattyBoi: I BEG YOUR FUCKING PARDON

BattyBoi: YOU DID NOT JUST ASK THAT

Wayfinder: hey Mary calm down

Beauty: no screaming at my girlfriend please she has sensitive ears

Beast: >:|

Queen: oh I get it

Queen: beauty and the beast

Beast: oh I thought Simon was being a piece of dick

Beauty: >->

BattyBoi: it’s a good thing I’m already dead then

MagicMike: MagicMike?

Wayfinder: he’s a gay stripper in some movie

MagicMike: perfect

BigGay added raphael.s!

BattyBoi: I’m going to hunt you down Lightwood and take a chunk from your neck

MagicMike: if I’m not there it’s not allowed

BigGay: I’m sorry??

MagicMike: heart

Carrot: he literally fucking said the word ‘heart’ I’m so fucking done

BigGay: I would be too if I’m not currently melting

BattyBoi: awe how sweet

BattyBoi: sweet enough to bite

BigGay: You can’t come onto holy ground

BattyBoi: that shit aint stopping me

Queen: hey I don’t want my bro in a puddle of his own blood

BattyBoi: he’ll look like a shrivelled up dick

MagicMike: yeah no I like my dicks healthy

BigGay: that reminds me of that elementary school we were forced to go to

BigGay: their hotdogs looked like penises with little to no blood in them 

Carrot: speaking of which

Carrot changed raphael.s’s name to HOTDAMN!

Wayfinder: beg your pardon carrot

Carrot: watch yourself blondie 

Beast: all this shade is amazing

HOTDAMN: Thoroughly confused but not surprised.

HOTDAMN: Simon, come home before I eat your bloodbags.

BattyBoi: are you trying to starve me

Wayfinder: dominating

HOTDAMN: Mm, very possible. 

HOTDAMN: With the speed you’re going at Lewis i would’ve imagined you being a furry and not a vampire.

Beast: hey now

Queen: he’s not wrong

MagicMike changed HOTDAMN’s name to biteyboi!

biteyboi: Hmmph.

MagicMike: dont sulk lovely ;) 

biteyboi: Don’t ever type that face again.

BattyBoi: RAPHIE WHY WOULD YOU EAT THE PROSTITUTE BAG

BattyBoi: I WAS EATING THAT YOU DAMNED CHILLI-EATING FIEND

biteyboi: I beg your pardon?

Wayfinder: oh fuck he snatched your ass

biteyboi: Careful there, Jace.

Wayfinder: I honestly can’t take you seriously when your username is fucking biteyboi 

biteyboi changed their name to Voy-a-Azotarte!

BattyBoi: oh

BattyBoi: my gOd???

Wayfinder: whst does that say

MagicMike: I don’t take the time to learn the language of the tacos

BattyBoi: well hm

BattyBoi: Jace your wet dream will finally come true if you keep it up

Wayfinder: wHat, me strangling you?

Carrot: kinky

Wayfinder: shut up carrot 

BattyBoi changed Voy-a-Azotarte’s name to Papi!

Wayfinder: that I understand

BigGay changed their name to Gay!

Gay: I would be concerned if you didn’t

Papi: Oh Dios.

MagicMike: darling Clare, please collect your drunk girlfriend from my bedroom

Carrot: the fuck is she doing in your bed

Carrot: and she’s not my girlfriend

BattyBoi: you’ve literally gone on so many ucking days Fairchild don’t do this

Carrot: question mark

Papi: Are all mortals so dense?

MagicMike: seems to be the case


	2. Raphael = Papi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s Raphael appreciation week and he’s not liking it
> 
> (He is)

BattyBoi: Papi guess what

Papi: Never call me that again, thank you.

BattyBoi: but Papi ):

Papi: no

Wayfinder: the fuck are y’all at rn

Carrot: spoiling my queen

Queen: the puns

Beast: laying in bed waiting for Lyds to come back

MagicMike: I’m having brunch with Papi

Papi: I’m this close to you Magnus.

Wayfinder: Alec’s being the institute dude so he won’t be on for a long time

Wayfinder: also can we talk about the irony that is Simon

BattyBoi: depends if it’s good or bad

Wayfinder: well you’re a vampire and you have no tastebuds but you’re literally such a fucking good cook

Wayfinder: Ramsay material

Wayfinder: my mouth fucking orgasmed and I went into another dimension after I ate that salmon yesterday

BattyBoi: oh

Carrot: you still have the leftovers 

Wayfinder: you’re not having them

Papi: Dios Mios.

BattyBoi: on a different note

BattyBoi: why the fuck is Raphael so?? Adorable??

Wayfinder: it’s time to sing praise everyone

Carrot: HE LOOKS LIKE AN ANGRY KITTEN

MagicMike: HE FUCKING DOES HA

BattyBoi: whenever he draws his eyebrows down and scrunch his nose up and try to glare at me EVEN WHEN HES BATSHIT CONFUSED MAKES ME WANT TO CRY

BattyBoi: HE IS A FUCKING BLESSING

Wayfinder: whenever he gets mad and speechless he resorts to dropping the bad boys and hissing

BattyBoi: he growls at me

Wayfinder: yeah but we’re talking about his cute side and not his hot side

BattyBoi: the eyebrow raise??

Wayfinder: fuck

MagicMike: he’s a fucking tomato in laughing so hard

Papi: Vampires don’t blush, Bane.

MagicMike: nonsense darling ;)

MagicMike sent a photo!

BattyBoi: AWWWWWE

Wayfinder: OH SO CUTE

BattyBoi: LOOK AT HIS LITTLE CHEEKS

Wayfinder: HES TRYING TO HIDE BEHIND HIS HAND IN THAT PIC IM FUCKING DEAD

Gay: is it Raphael dedication time

Carrot: you bet your gay ass it is

Gay: his eyes. Always. His eyes.

BattyBoi: bless up

Queen: BLESS FUCKING UP IM

Wayfinder: HIS EYES LOOKS LIKE LITTLE PUPPY EYES WHEN HE GETS EVEN A TINY BIT EXCITED OR CONFUSED

BattyBoi: also very fucking hot when they’re red

BattyBoi: like yesssss papi fuck me UP

Gay: I love his eyes, personally. The only pair of eyes that are so interestingly black.

MagicMike: oh, and not mine?

Gay: I lust over yours. I find Raphael’s aesthetically pleasing

Queen: tbh

Carrot: How’s our daddy mags

MagicMike: a smushed tomato

MagicMike sent a photo!

Wayfinder: hES hiding in his arms

BattyBoi: Magnus hurry up and bring him home so I can spoil the fuck out of him

Wayfinder: WAIT ME TOO

Papi: I don’t need spoiling, fuck off.

BattyBoi: did I fucking stutter Raphael Santiago

BattyBoi: No. You are going to sit on that sofa. You will take our damn gifts and love and affection even if we have to pin you down squirming.

Papi: .

Queen: hot 

Wayfinder: don’t worry Ralph it’s only for a week once a month

Wayfinder: I meant raph 

BattyBoi: Ralph

Papi: Dios.


	3. Rich Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clary’s keeping everyone awake

Wayfinder sent a video!

Wayfinder: hES ranting to Sam about some chick and it’s hilarious

Carrot: Sam

Wayfinder: shut up

Wayfinder: “I WANTED TO PUT A NOOSE AROUND HER HEAD” *fucking twirls hands* “TIGHTEN IT UP UNTIL SHES HANGING FROM THE FUCKING MOON. “WHOS IN HELL NOW, BITCH?” I’D TAKE HER VERGINIAL OR WHATEVER THE FUCK BODY AND DRAIN IT INTO THE EARTH. MOMMA EARTH WILL PROBABLY SPIT THAT SHIT OUT. SHES SO FUCKING DAMN TOXIC.”

Queen: HAHAHAHAHA I FUCKING LOVE RAPH ITS AMAZING

MagicMike: OH MY GOD BLESS

Wayfinder: “Raphie clam down-“

Wayfinder: “I will not calm down. I want her liver torn out and thrown in the ocean. I want her breasts fucking tugged out of her chest slowly and burned to offer whatever the hell’s out there. They will not be satisfied. They’re smaller than baby mice.”

Wayfinder: Simon’s dying

Beast: I want?? To cry??

Wayfinder: fuck he growled at me

Carrot: hot

Wayfinder: no

Carrot: we’ve been over this Jace

 

-3 PM-

 

BattyBoi: Clary it’s 3 fucking PM

Carrot: ???

BattyBoi: I’m nocturnal you leprechaun shit STOP FUCKING CALLING ME

Carrot: IM NOT FUCKING CALLING YOU

BattyBoi: THATS BULLSHIT YOU CUBT

Wayfinder: can you two not I’m trying to nap

Carrot: the fuck is wrong with you Jace come on

Wayfinder: well Carrot if you haven’t fucking WOKEN ME UP AT TWELVE AM AND K EPT ME UP I WOULDNT BE NAPPING

Carrot: ok

BattyBoi: you shit you made her sad

Wayfinder: she made me sleepy

Gay: guys there’s a pack o’ demons terrorising the fae again

Wayfinder: any other information

Gay: they’re rich 

Wayfinder: I’m going back to sleep


	4. Simon no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think this is how truth or dare works Simon

BattyBoi: hi I’m bored

Queen: k so

BattyBoi: let’s play truth or dare over the phone with partners

Papi: If that’s so I claim Jace and Simon.

Carrot: fuck you too then

Queen: hush I’ll claim you

Carrot: I’m loved

Wayfinder: a shot every time a dare or Truth is denied

Beast: VAMPIRES INCLUDED

BattyBoi: we don’t have any alcohol addict blood bags??

Papi: We do.

BattyBoi: oh

Queen: PICK A NUMBER 1-7

BattyBoi: 3

Carrot: 4

Wayfinder: 7

Papi: 2

Queen: 6

Beast: 2

Beast: oh I guess I’m 1

Queen: time to locate a generator brb

BattyBoi: ok

Queen: fuck I’m first uh

Queen: CLARY Truth or Dare

Carrot: dare I’m no pussi 

Queen: let me install something because I don’t have any fucking clue

Carrot: come sit on the damn couch then

Queen: bossy

Wayfinder: can you open the fucking door I know you can hear and SMELL me

BattyBoi: Raphael is just staring at the door

Wayfinder: I stg

Queen: HAHA PUT A HANDFUL OF ICE CUBES DOWN YOUR PANTS

Carrot: kms

Wayfinder: THANK YOU FOR OPENING THE DOOR AFTER 15 MINS OF STARING AT IT RAPHAEL

Papi: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

BattyBoi: oh my god I’m fucking dying again

Queen: Clary’s crying

Carrot: fuck off

Carrot: MAIA DARLING

Beast: fuck

Carrot: d or t

Beast: or

Wayfinder: wHat does blood taste like

Papi: It’s best if a human doesn’t drink our supply.

Wayfinder: rude?

Carrot: dickhead

Beast: dare hh

Carrot: TAKE ANY PIECE OF CLOTHING OFF LYDIA

Beast: JDJDISGEKDJC N O

Beauty: I mean I wouldn’t mind

Beast: ffs

Carrot: do it tit and no snogging

Wayfinder: put some crack in the cup of blood and see if it’s disgusting

BattyBoi: no

Gay: What the FUCK

Beast: 8 or 9 Alec

Gay: 9???

Beast: k Magnus is 8

Beast: Isabelle truth or dare

Queen: Truth

Beast: pussy

Beast: ok simple one r u a virgin

Papi: Oh so many incorrect things in that sentence-

Queen: no

Beast: k move on

Queen: wait I just realised there’s no 5

Queen: Alec you’re 5 and Magnus is 8

Gay: Why can’t we be next to each other? 

Queen: idk shut up

Queen: Alec truth or dare 

Gay: oh fuck um dare

Queen: sit in Magnus’s lap for the rest of the round

Gay: Gladly 

Gay: who’s stupid idea was this

Beast: Simon’s

Gay: Simon truth or dare

BattyBoi: fuck uh

BattyBoi: I’m no fucking mortal dare

Papi: Ironic.

BattyBoi: hey now

Gay: Shut your gallop

Gay: since I’m merciful

Wayfinder: your definition of merciful 

Gay: bite Jace or Raphael. On the neck. And keep that position until your neck turn

Wayfinder: is like my definition for fihdnsndbd

BattyBoi: how the fuck am I gunna keep that position

Gay: sit on them 

BattyBoi: do I pick the shadowhunter or the vampire

Carrot: you can always back down

BattyBoi: I’m no mortal

Papi: ‘Scuse me, I need to find the alcohol.

Wayfinder: OH NO YOU DONT

BattyBoi: wait I’ve an amazing idea Raphael come here

Wayfinder: wait that’s also a no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look I’m self promoting
> 
> Follow my insta and give me ideas cause I lack ‘em
> 
> @markedisthequestion fucking message and love me


End file.
